Twelve Years In Heaven

The color red splattered onto the water, marring the stillness of the surface as one drop followed another.  In chaotic twists, crimson tendrils snaked their way back and forth, weaving a maze until they merged as one.

I gasped as knifelike fingers shredded the inside of my body.  Pain unlike anything I had ever felt before erupted as I cried out.

I felt more than saw another drop of blood leave my body, and with it the fragile life that had been growing inside…

Our baby.

As I stared at its still form my heart shattered into jagged pieces.

I learned that day that it would be possible to die from a broken heart…for a heart to simply stop beating because the pain was too great.


Sorrow of a broken heart

Mine almost did.  It slowed as sorrow overwhelmed me.  It paused and then gave a mighty thud as it returned to its regular beat.

As the pain in my body left, my tears started to flow.

Nothing had prepared me for this moment.

As I laid my baby to rest that day, my mind struggled to grasp what had happened.  When I had gone to the doctor a couple of days before, concerned with what I was feeling, I had been assured that all was well.

But it wasn’t.

And yet even though that was the darkest hour in my life up until that point…

A small flicker of hope refused to be extinguished.

For although I was experiencing hurt like I never had before, I knew that one day I would be reunited with my little one…

In heaven.

Where we would never be separated again.

In the days that followed, a song by Jeff and Sheri Easter, called “Morning’s Coming” became a constant in our home.

The closer I get to God, it seems the more I face,

Circumstances always seem to get right in my way,

But in my hour of desperation, He’s always by my side,

If I keep my eyes on Him, I can overcome the night.

If you are facing a trial like you have never faced before,

And you feel like you just can’t take it anymore,

Remember that He won’t allow more than you can bear,

You’re not alone, you’re entertaining angels unaware.


Morning’s coming, just in sight,

Every fear and doubt will surrender to the light,

Morning’s coming, hold on tight,

If you just trust in Him, you will make it through the night,

Morning’s coming.


When you get discouraged and the nights seem so long,

Remember the darkest hour is just before the dawn.

It’s been twelve years since that day, and I won’t lie…there are still days when I cry…when I wonder…when I wish…

But then I remember that my little one has already had…

Twelve years in heaven…skipping on the streets of gold…surrounded by the light of the Son…worshipping at the throne of God… encircled in the perfect love of our Heavenly Father…making friends with the giants of the faith like David, Daniel, Esther and so many others…even perhaps learning to ride a flying horse:)

And it makes me long for home…

My heavenly home…

Where I will be reunited with all the loved ones who have gone on before me…

Where God Himself will wipe away every tear, and there will be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying, nor pain…


No more tears

Where twelve years will only be a fragment of a speck when compared with the ages of eternity…

Where God will continue to show the exceeding riches of His grace expressed in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus…

Where I will be free to love God with all my heart, soul and mind without being hindered by the entanglements of sin.

What a day that will be, when my Jesus I shall see,

When I look upon His face, the One who saved me by His grace;

When He takes me by the hand, and leads me to the Promised Land,

What a day, glorious day that will be. 

There is coming a day, when no heartaches shall come,

No more clouds in the sky, no more tears to dim the eye,

All is peace forever more, on that happy golden shore,

What a day, glorious day that will be.

There’ll be no sorrow there, no more burdens to bear,

No more sickness, no pain, no more parting over there,

And forever I will be, with the One who died for me,

What a day, glorious day that will be.

(“What a Day That Will Be” by Jim Hall)


In the coming ages, God is going to continue to show us the incomparable riches of His grace

Oh Lord God.  Twelve years ago my heart was shattered.  Broken.  Crushed.  I couldn’t understand why that happened.  I still don’t.  Yet, in those darkest moments, You did not forsake me.  You held me.  Your breath of life sustained me.  Your hand of compassion was my comfort.  You have given me beauty for my ashes….the oil of joy for my mourning…a garment of praise for my spirit of heaviness.  In You, my weeping has lasted for only a short time…seemingly a night when compared with eternity.  In You, joy has dawned and one day it will be fully unveiled in a dazzling array that it will take all of eternity to explore its depths.

Thank-you, Jesus, for the living hope that is available for all that believe in You.  Comfort Your people this day.  Life hurts so much sometimes…more than we can bear.  Yet, to the very depths that we suffer You have promised that to the same degree You will comfort us…

For You are the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort.

Fortify our hearts to stand firm…to take courage…to not become weary in doing good.  Ignite our hearts and stir up in us hearts to make You our first love and to love You fully, to trust You completely and to follow You always.  For You have not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love and a sound mind.

Lord God, according to the riches of Your glory, strengthen us with might through Your Spirit in our inner being so that Christ will dwell in our hearts through faith.  Help us to understand that we are rooted and established in Your love, and to have power with all Your people to grasp and know how wide and long and deep and high is Your love for us in order that we may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Now to You, who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to Your power that is at work within us – to You be glory both now and forevermore.



For God so loved the world

That He gave His only begotten Son,

That whosoever believes in Him

Should not perish,

But have everlasting life.

John 3:16